Written by: Rich Larabie
From a wounded place.
1John 4:19 We love because He first loved us. Loving another person is never as simple as we imagine it will be. Marriage reveals this truth more than anything else, in my humble opinion. When we said, “I Do,” we thought we were jumping into a storybook of joy and partnership (and we are.) But we quickly discover that we also bring our hidden stories with us. For many of us, childhood trauma follows us into adulthood, like an unwelcome shadow. It dictates how we trust, how we react, and most importantly, how we love. For 16 years, married, I thought I could brick up the painful parts of my past and offer her only the strong, composed version of myself. But old wounds don’t just disappear because we ignore them. They whisper into our relationships, shaping our tone, expectations, and fears. The closer someone gets, the louder those whispers become.
Scripture gives us hope.
1John 4:18b Perfect love drives out fear. The love that God offers isn’t intimidated by our brokenness. We can learn to love our spouse with the same grace, even when our trauma makes it difficult.
Acknowledging the wound.
Childhood trauma often leaves us believing that we must protect ourselves at all costs. For me, that means shutting down emotionally, becoming defensive, withdrawing and trying to control situations so I would feel safe. All very normal survival strategies – but they are not the foundation of healthy love. God invites us to do something brave by telling the truth about our wounds. King David says, Psalm 51:6a You desire the truth in the inward being. Healing begins when we acknowledge what hurt us, and how that hurt shows up in our marriage. This is not weakness, it is surrender, it is laying our broken pieces before the one who knows how to restore them.
Seeing your wife through God’s eyes.
Childhood trauma has distorted how I interpret my wife’s actions.
A gentle correction feels like criticism.
A moment of silence feels like rejection.
A disagreement feels like danger.
God tells us to renew our minds, including how we view our spouse: she is not our enemy; she is not a threat. She is a gift, a partner, and someone who carries her own vulnerabilities and stories. When I pray to God, I say, “Help me see her the way You see her.” (Sometimes multiple times a day) When I do this, He softens me; He trains my heart to recognize her love, her intentions, and her value.
Choosing love even when it feels hard.
Feelings fluctuate, and trauma triggers emotions that are intense and confusing. Biblical love is more than emotion; it’s a choice empowered by the Holy Spirit. Love in action is: Patient, kind, not easily angered, not self-seeking. These qualities come from a transformed heart, one surrendered daily to God. They do not come from a wounded heart. When we choose gentleness over defensiveness, communication over withdrawal, and compassion over fear, we allow God’s healing to flow naturally. We are learning to love Christ as He loves us.
Letting God heal what marriage reveals.
Marriage doesn’t cause our brokenness; it reveals the brokenness already inside of us. Recognizing this is a gift, and not a condemnation. (God exposes only what He intends to heal) Jesus says, John 10:10a I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the fullest.” A full life equals a healed heart, restored identity, and a growing capacity to love. I implore you to invite God into the deepest parts of your story. Ask Him to reframe what you believe about safety, trust, closeness, and love. Consider inviting a pastor, a therapist, or a mentor into the process. Healing is not instant, but it is possible.
Prayer
Father, thank You for loving me fully, even in the places I feel broken. Teach me how to love my wife with your love. Heal the wounds in me that make loving difficult. Give me eyes to see her as you do, and a heart willing to grow. Strengthen our marriage with your grace. AMEN!!!
What a BLESSING it was to read these words & really feel the message. Coming from a single man, it not only Inspires but also provides more depth into marriage – something to aspire to! Thank you for sharing authentically
Thanks Kyler, I’m delighted to here that it inspired you.
Appreciate you.🙏 God Bless
Thanks for your kind words Bruce🙏 God Bless
Wow, Rich! Words so well spoken! These words go both ways – husband or wife. We don’t always understand the trauma our spouse has gone through. Healing can come through gentleness, communication and compassion. God can heal what marriage reveals.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your wonderful comment Doris, I agree definitely can go both ways.
🙏 God Bless
What a beautiful and grace-filled encouragement, Rich. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story so that others could be healed.
Thanks for your kind words Bruce🙏 God Bless
Thank you, Rich, for the honesty you have demonstrated in your desire to become a better husband.
You wrote, “Marriage doesn’t cause our brokenness; it reveals the brokenness already inside of us.”
This sentence reached deep into my soul and caused me to pray for a deeper love for my wife.
Thank you.
Appreciate the words you shared Norm and I’m excited to read that it moved you🙏
GodBless