I prayed out loud, “Lord, what is wrong with me? What is this agitation boiling up in my soul?” I feel like I’m fighting something I cannot touch. I can almost catch glimpses of it in my spiritual peripheral vision, but it remains a mercurial shadow on the edges of thought. I’m convinced I see a pending storm with a gun barrel grey ceiling pressing down upon me, even while the sun is shining on every side. My eyes are focused on a bright and clear day, but my soul feels a darkened membrane stretching against my mind. Father, I just want to give up. “Am I depressed?” I asked. I questioned again, “Lord, can you tell me, what is agitating my soul?” I heard a soft, “You are lonely.”
I said, “Everyone is lonely, we have been in restrictions and lockdowns for over two years. Besides, I have friends and lots to keep me busy.” Again, I heard, “You are lonely.” How have I come to this lonely place? Is this one of the aspects of being human, where we must process and encounter the test we are shadowboxing? Do we have to go through a dire valley to understand the lessons being taught in our souls? This wretchedness is too real to ignore or escape its festering. Psalm 55:6 I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Where is our God who gives us rest?
Do I put on a mask and fake it till I make it? If I wear a mask, it will reveal what is within me by the mask I am using. If my mask is happiness, I am covering up the sadness within my heart. If my mask is bravery, I am hiding the cowardice at work in my conscience. If I wear the mask of confidence, I am hiding the fact that I feel like a cardboard cutout empty of substance. Psalm 69:3 I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God. Heavenly Father, I need a saviour, not a formula. I don’t need three steps to overcome blah blah blah. I need to be heard in my moment of uncertainty. Are you there Lord?
Maybe this is a battle against demonic giants whose shadows tower over my existence. Satan is the one who murders the visions of holy men who end up in lonely places. From this empty place, I received an illumination of thought. The Holy Spirit is listening to my groans. From out of the depths of my groanings is my sincere heart wanting God’s affirmation of purpose and declaration of love. Rom. 8:26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. Even in a dark place, we look for light to find our way, while we call upon our Lord to send His healing oil that anoints our soul and resurrects our lives into the joy of relationship with our God.
Yes, Lord, I see there is life after being buried under the lies of the enemy. If we trust in your goodness and trust your leading, we can come out of dark places. For you are a friend to the downcast and a Lord to the needy. Prov. 18:24b But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I will look to the heavens and hope again. For this dry place is but for a season. Our hope is in God, and He will sustain us with the love of His graciousness. The salvation of God is for all man, even the corrupt and inventors of evil. One drop of the Lord’s blood can change the vilest of souls. Yes, Lord, there is hope in your grace.
As I prayed, God sent His healing oil through an anointed friend who ministered the majesty of the Holy Spirit upon my soul. Fragrant oil dripped upon my heart and I left the lonely place for the garden of God’s Eden. I found other souls resting there. “Your battle is won,” they shouted, “You have been tried and found to be alive in the grace of God’s divine love.” Thank you, Lord, for your goodness of heart and for delivering me from the lonesome place of endless wastelands. I will remember to put on the whole armour of God, that I may extinguish the spears of burning darkness. Lord, you are good and worthy to be praised. Thank you, God, I am home. Amen!